can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute