Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Air conditioning – not a fan
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.