Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine