[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I’m aging like a fine banana
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Whoa 😂
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.