Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
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Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Message from the dog groomers
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me recordaron éste meme
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”