*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”