The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I hate it when guys use pickup lines like, ‘Hey, what’s your friend’s name?’ on me. Worst pickup line ever.
Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
Me: “You have ice?”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’