Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
12653.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something