How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.