I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.