I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
*puts my mental health in rice
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.