me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
You Might Also Like
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]