the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
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HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
So many pants.
So little yoga.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *