1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
6am: Too tired
8am: This isn’t so bad
1pm: OMG so tired
10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS
I had sex and all I got were these kids.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.