@SufficientCharm: Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don't it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON'T IT LOL.
@SufficientCharm: Tampon boxes should come with a "It's not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat." warning.
@SufficientCharm: I put my pants on like everyone else....
Ha just kidding. I don't have sex, or pants.
@SufficientCharm: 5 Stages of Pregnancy:
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you're crying
5: The toilet is your home now
@SufficientCharm: *Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
@SufficientCharm: GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome.
"But what if it's TOO much awesome?"
GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
@SufficientCharm: 6am: Too tired
8am: This isn't so bad
1pm: OMG so tired
10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS
@SufficientCharm: My boyfriend thinks it's cute when I use the clap emoji but I've just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.