Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I鈥檝e got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you鈥檙e still young and fit to climb in and out!
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
馃幎If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 馃幎
Dreams are so frustrating. It鈥檚 my brain, but instead of dreaming I鈥檓 having sex with a supermodel, I鈥檓 at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son鈥檚 game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…