I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.
I thought my apocalypse outfit would be more black leather and less jammies and bunny slippers.
God: Welcome to Heaven. You’ll be getting your wings soon.
Me: Spicy or honey bbq?
God: Get out.
This isolation thing isn’t going to be so hard. I spent half my teenage years getting grounded so there’s that.
Personal trainer: Have you ever done a marathon?
Me: Like on Netflix?
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Last night the cashier at the liquor store asked if I needed help. I said probably, but I came here instead.
To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.
Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.
‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’