Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
You Might Also Like
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
A friend helps you before you need it
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?