My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
You Might Also Like
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.