I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
They’re the worst 😩
Message from the dog groomers
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
won’t smith
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.