For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
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I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex