god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train