My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven