Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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when you order from DoorDastardly
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
my dog when i have a friend over
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.