Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
oh shit
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there