The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
this is funnier than any friends episode
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
yeah no that’s fair
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good