Him: Why do you like to feed ducks so much?
Me: (flashback to my dream when I only got into Heaven because God was a duck) It calms me.
Everybody thinks they want to sleep with an older women until we ask you to sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.
No Botox for me, thanks. I just keep getting fatter to fill out the wrinkles.
Hair dresser: So how do you normally style your hair at home?
Me: *just laughing until it hurts*
Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.
1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY PLAN ON WEARING THAT
10: Mom, is Chuck Norris a real person or a myth?
I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.
The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.