@SuperApple80

Him: Why do you like to feed ducks so much?
Me: (flashback to my dream when I only got into Heaven because God was a duck) It calms me.

@SuperApple80

Everybody thinks they want to sleep with an older women until we ask you to sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.

@SuperApple80

No Botox for me, thanks. I just keep getting fatter to fill out the wrinkles.

@SuperApple80

Hair dresser: So how do you normally style your hair at home?
Me: *just laughing until it hurts*

@SuperApple80

Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.

@SuperApple80

1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam

@SuperApple80

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY PLAN ON WEARING THAT

@SuperApple80

I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.

@SuperApple80

The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.