I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before