Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
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We avoided this particular disaster
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
They’re the worst 😩
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.