Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
i really liked this one
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!