Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
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My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“I’m helping” 😅
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.