Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
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In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit