I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry
Me: your parents named you that?
Wife has spotted me tweeting while she is talking to me.
This does not please her.
She is currently approaching me.
She is reaching for my
[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive
I’m not mature enough to work at Siemens.
[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table
The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.
What idiot called them swordfish instead of… oh, no, wait, actually that’s pretty good.
When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.
If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.