@SuperJuanderer

I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry

@SuperJuanderer

Wife has spotted me tweeting while she is talking to me.
This does not please her.
She is currently approaching me.
She is reaching for my

@SuperJuanderer

[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive

@SuperJuanderer

[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table

@SuperJuanderer

The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.

@SuperJuanderer

What idiot called them swordfish instead of… oh, no, wait, actually that’s pretty good.

@SuperJuanderer

When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.

@SuperJuanderer

If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.