Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Monday
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Basketball
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.