Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Nice try Hitler
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
british sex workers really pound for pound
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.