@SuperRandomish

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

@SuperRandomish

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

@SuperRandomish

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

@SuperRandomish

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

@SuperRandomish

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

@SuperRandomish

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@SuperRandomish

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

@SuperRandomish

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

@SuperRandomish

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”