Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”