For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.