I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Succinctly put.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.