Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
You Might Also Like
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone