Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife: you can usually trust me