@SvnSxty

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

@SvnSxty

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

@SvnSxty

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

@SvnSxty

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@SvnSxty

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

@SvnSxty

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

@SvnSxty

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

@SvnSxty

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

@SvnSxty

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee