@SvnSxty

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

@SvnSxty

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

@SvnSxty

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

@SvnSxty

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

@SvnSxty

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

@SvnSxty

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

@SvnSxty

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

@SvnSxty

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

@SvnSxty

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

@SvnSxty

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself