@SvnSxty *first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
@SvnSxty @SvnSxty *first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
@SvnSxty *drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
@SvnSxty Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
@SvnSxty *ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
@SvnSxty Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
@SvnSxty Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
@SvnSxty Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
@SvnSxty Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
@SvnSxty A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee