@SvnSxty

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

@SvnSxty

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

@SvnSxty

whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them

@SvnSxty

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

@SvnSxty

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

@SvnSxty

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

@SvnSxty

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

@SvnSxty

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

@SvnSxty

Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day

Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

@SvnSxty

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news