@SvnSxty
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
@SvnSxty
@SvnSxty
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
@SvnSxty
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
@SvnSxty
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
@SvnSxty
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
@SvnSxty
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
@SvnSxty
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
@SvnSxty
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
@SvnSxty
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
@SvnSxty
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself