@SvnSxty

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

@SvnSxty

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

@SvnSxty

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

@SvnSxty

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

@SvnSxty

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

@SvnSxty

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

@SvnSxty

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

@SvnSxty

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

@SvnSxty

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

@SvnSxty

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me