Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter