@SvnSxty

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

@SvnSxty

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

@SvnSxty

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

@SvnSxty

Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day

Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

@SvnSxty

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

@SvnSxty

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

@SvnSxty

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

@SvnSxty

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

@SvnSxty

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

@SvnSxty

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks