“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day
Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks