Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly


anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench


Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that


*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good


Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous


I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur


Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya


Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too


Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy


Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter