@SvnSxty
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
@SvnSxty
@SvnSxty
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
@SvnSxty
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
@SvnSxty
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
@SvnSxty
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
@SvnSxty
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
@SvnSxty
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
@SvnSxty
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
@SvnSxty
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
@SvnSxty
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur