@SvnSxty

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

@SvnSxty

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

@SvnSxty

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

@SvnSxty

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

@SvnSxty

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

@SvnSxty

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

@SvnSxty

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

@SvnSxty

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

@SvnSxty

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

@SvnSxty

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur