Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink
– me with a broken jaw
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much