Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much


Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes


Drive thru lady: enjoy your food

Me: you too

Drive thru lady:

Me: *slowly drives away, tears in eyes, knowing I can never return*


Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise


Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social


Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous


*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying


In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh


Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return