@SvnSxty

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

@SvnSxty

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

@SvnSxty

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

@SvnSxty

Drive thru lady: enjoy your food

Me: you too

Drive thru lady:

Me: *slowly drives away, tears in eyes, knowing I can never return*

@SvnSxty

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

@SvnSxty

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

@SvnSxty

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

@SvnSxty

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL