Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of SwedishCanary's best tweets

@SwedishCanary : Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread...

@SwedishCanary: At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

@SwedishCanary: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

@SwedishCanary: When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I'm capable of.

@SwedishCanary: I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better".

@SwedishCanary: Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

@SwedishCanary: I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

@SwedishCanary: Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven't met yet.

@SwedishCanary: If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.