Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I found your tweet-up…
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!