Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy