I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
PARKOUR
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!