ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.