Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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