You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
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This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Hmmmmm
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.