I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.