Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Swishergirl24's best tweets

@Swishergirl24 : I need more disguises so Costco doesn't know I'm eating there for free every day.

@Swishergirl24: Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

@Swishergirl24: "Be cool, be cool,
be cool"

~me before I'm about to not be cool.

@Swishergirl24: Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

@Swishergirl24: I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

@Swishergirl24: Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

@Swishergirl24: This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I'm some kind of wizard.

@Swishergirl24: Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.

@Swishergirl24: Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you're rock climbing.

@Swishergirl24: I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that's not how pregnancy works.