@Swishergirl24

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

@Swishergirl24

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

@Swishergirl24

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

@Swishergirl24

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

@Swishergirl24

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

@Swishergirl24

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

@Swishergirl24

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

@Swishergirl24

Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.