Don’t even try to murder me, my hair will be all over your house.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Sometimes I think about running for public office and then I remember literally everything I’ve ever done and laugh and laugh.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.