Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Be cool, be cool,
~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.