@Swishergirl24

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

@Swishergirl24

Sometimes I think about running for public office and then I remember literally everything I’ve ever done and laugh and laugh.

@Swishergirl24

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

@Swishergirl24

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

@Swishergirl24

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

@Swishergirl24

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

@Swishergirl24

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.